At Thrive Community Support Circle, we believe using correct pronouns is a key part of inclusive, trauma-informed care.
At Thrive Community Support Circle, we’re always learning and growing in our efforts to be inclusive and trauma-informed. One area that continues to evolve is the way we talk about gender identity — especially when it comes to using correct pronouns.
After attending a powerful workshop on allyship, I came away with some fresh insights that are worth sharing with our community, staff, and supporters.
What Are Pronouns and Why Do They Matter?
Pronouns (like she/her, he/him, they/them) are how we refer to someone in conversation when we’re not using their name. Using a person’s correct pronouns is a basic act of respect and affirmation.
Getting someone’s pronouns wrong (called misgendering) can feel like a small thing, but for the person on the receiving end, it can cause emotional harm, especially when it happens repeatedly. As I heard in the workshop, repeated misgendering is like a paper cut: small at first, but a painful wound when it keeps happening.
“Preferred Pronouns”
The phrase “preferred pronouns” is still used by some, and even one of our staff members who is queer mentioned they don’t mind the term. That’s important context. But in general, the broader recommendation from advocacy groups and 2SLGBTQIA+ leaders is to avoid the word preferred when referring to pronouns.
Why? Because it implies that pronouns are a preference or a choice — when really, they are part of someone’s identity.
So instead of saying:
“My preferred pronouns are she/her…”
We say:
“My pronouns are she/her.”
It may seem like a small shift, but it carries a big message: we respect who you are, not who you prefer to be.
What If You’re Not Sure of Someone’s Pronouns?
If you’re unsure, the most respectful thing to do is ask:
“Hi, my name is Jess. My pronouns are she/her — what are yours?”
This opens the door to a more inclusive conversation and helps prevent misgendering. And if you do make a mistake, offer a quick, kind correction and move on. Over-apologizing can unintentionally put pressure on the other person and make them uncomfortable.
Jokes and Memes: Why Language Still Matters
Another thing that came to mind was how certain “jokes” about pronouns — like memes that say “My preferred pronoun is unicorn” — can feel dismissive or even harmful. These types of jokes may seem harmless, but they can minimize the lived experience of trans, non-binary, and gender-diverse people.
Inclusive Language Is a Part of Suicide Prevention
Here’s something that stayed with me from the workshop: using the correct pronouns is suicide prevention. It’s that serious. Studies show that trans and non-binary youth who are respected and affirmed in their identity are significantly less likely to experience depression or suicidal thoughts.
This is one reason Thrive prioritizes trauma-informed care and continues to reflect on our language, policies, and practices.
At Thrive, We Are Committed to Ongoing Learning
Language evolves, and so does our understanding of what it means to be an ally.
We encourage all board members, staff and volunteers to:
- Include their pronouns in their email signature
- Use gender-neutral terms when unsure (e.g., “folks” instead of “ladies and gentlemen”)
- Stay open to feedback and correction
- Continue learning alongside the communities we serve
Together, we create safer spaces for everyone — and that’s what real community support looks like.
Written by: Jess Smith (she/her)